Time Served
by KJaneway115
Summary: After Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, Janeway and Noah Lessing both seek redemption for past actions. Written for ghosteye 99 for the VAMB Secret Summer Exchange.


_A/N: This story was written for ghosteye_99 for the 2013 VAMB Secret Summer exchange. The request was for: Janeway & Noah Lessing, post-Endgame, redemption (both sides), with (background) developing J/C. No C/7. No character death. To accommodate this request, I have ignored the C/7 part of canon for the purposes of this story. _

_Thanks to ghosteye_99 for the thought provoking request and to Mizvoy for the editing and encouragement._

* * *

_**TIME SERVED  
**_

_**By KJaneway115**_

* * *

"_Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh."_

_-Henry David Thoreau_

* * *

"On the charge of violating Starfleet General Order One, the Prime Directive, how do you find?"

"We find the defendants guilty."

"And on the charge of murder in the second degree, how do you find?"

"We find the defendants guilty."

"Noah Lessing, Marla Gilmore, James Morrow, Brian Sofin and Angelo Tassoni, this panel finds you guilty of all charges. Your punishment will be determined in a sentencing hearing that will take place tomorrow at 0800 hours. Until that time, you will remain in confinement."

Noah Lessing let out a long breath. He was guilty. He deserved to be found guilty, just as he deserved whatever punishment was inflicted upon him. He knew that now. He only wished he had realized it years ago, so that he could have prevented any of this from ever happening.

...

Captain Kathryn Janeway heard the verdict from the back of the courtroom. She gave a curt nod and slipped out the door before anyone could stop her or ask her a question. She was tired of answering questions; it was all she had done for weeks, ever since _Voyager _had burst through a Borg sphere into the Alpha Quadrant. The trial of the _Equinox_ crewmen concluded the debriefing process, and after a few more routine questions, she imagined that she and her crew would finally be released, allowed to see their families, and permitted to return home.

_Home_. It was still hard for Janeway to believe she had accomplished her seven year goal, but each time she looked out a window and saw the San Francisco skyline before her, she was reminded that it was true. She was back on Earth, and soon her crew would be reunited with their families and friends. As soon as she had hugged her mother and sister, she planned to take a bubble bath and a long nap. Perhaps she would sleep for an entire week, she thought. Nothing sounded better than to be holed up in her childhood bedroom where no one could demand anything from her.

The weeks of debriefings had worn on her. Every decision she had made over the past seven years had been scrutinized and discussed ad nauseum. From her choice to destroy the Caretaker's array, to combining the Starfleet and Maquis crews, to rescuing Seven and her alliance with the Borg, she had been forced to revisit every major command decision she had made. Every death of a crew member had been examined and every ghost of the past dredged up. Her sleep was plagued with nightmares; these ghosts had never sat easy with her, and most nights, she preferred to remain awake, drinking coffee and standing on the balcony of her temporary quarters, watching with wonder as the city below slumbered.

She entered those temporary quarters now and headed straight for the replicator, but before she could call out a command, her door chimed. "Come in." She was not expecting company and was surprised to see her first officer enter the room. "Commander, what can I do for you?"

"I saw you leave the courtroom. I wanted to make sure you were all right."

Chakotay's tone was gentle - gentler than she'd heard from him in a long time, and that puzzled her. She wondered why he had chosen today, of all days, to extend a proverbial hand, after having been silent for so long. The temptation to take the support he offered surged through her; she was exhausted and wanted to sag against him, feeling his strong arms surround her. Her mind warred over whether to tell him she was fine and dismiss him, or to invite him to stay. She realized that she didn't want him to go and needed to share with him what was on her mind. She needed his insight, his guidance, his calm and steady presence. She had needed it for a long time, and she suddenly wondered why she had not chosen to rely on it more often. So she said, "I was just about to have a cup of coffee. Can I get you anything?"

"I'll join you for coffee."

She took a moment to really look at him. He was exhausted, too. He hid it well, but she knew him well enough to see past his strong facade. "Two sugars, right?"

"Yes, ma'am."

She gestured to the sofa, and he sat while she got their coffee. She handed him his mug, put hers on the table, and flopped down on the sofa next to him. "The Borg seemed straightforward compared to this."

He chuckled. "I wonder what Admiral Bennett would say if he knew you were comparing him to the Borg."

"He'd probably be appalled." She paused, kicking off her boots and laying her head back against the couch. "The Borg Queen did make me question myself from time to time, but not like this."

Chakotay put his mug down and laid a hand on her knee. She closed her eyes, taking in the warmth of his palm and his fingers. It had been a long time since he had touched her like that - a long time since he had touched her at all. "Kathryn, you did the best you could out there. _We _did the best we could. And it's over, now. We can't change it. There's no sense in regretting the past."

"But I do have regrets, Chakotay." Her voice was soft, almost too soft for him to hear. She sat up, taking her coffee mug in both hands as his fingers slipped away from her knee. "There were people under my command who died, and the past few weeks I feel like I'm being asked to relive their deaths over and over again."

"_Our_ command, Kathryn. They were under _our_ command."

She glanced up at him, for the first time considering that this process might have been just as painful for him as it was for her. She cocked her head, acknowledging his statement, and then took a long sip of her coffee.

"The last two days were the worst of it, though, weren't they? Having to relive Ransom and Lessing and the whole _Equinox _debacle."

Janeway looked up at him, surprise registering on her face. In the past several months, as they had spent less and less time together, she had forgotten how well he actually knew her. Her voice was barely a whisper as she replied, "Yes." She paused. "I'm not proud of how I handled that situation, Chakotay."

"I know."

"But I wasn't wrong about everything, either. The crew of the _Equinox _committed terrible crimes."

"Yes, they did." Another pause. "Are you going to speak at the sentencing hearing tomorrow?"

"I've been asked to."

"What are you going to say?"

Janeway swirled her coffee in her mug, looking into it as it made a small funnel, avoiding her first officer's gaze. "I don't know. They deserve to punished for what they did." _And so do I_. But she did not voice that thought.

"Haven't they already served their time? At least some of it?"

"Maybe." Kathryn stared at the floor, pondering the question. "Maybe I was too hard on them."

"You felt at the time that they deserved the treatment you gave them, but sometimes hindsight provides a new perspective on an old situation. You did what was necessary then, and you'll do what should be done now." Janeway didn't know how to respond and she sat in silence. Chakotay seemed to take her silence as a dismissal and stood abruptly. "I should be going. Try to get some rest, Captain."

_Voyager_'s captain nodded in acknowledgement and watched silently as he left the room, and she was left alone with her thoughts.

...

Across the grounds at Starfleet Headquarters, in his dormitory-style minimum security prison cell, a man also could not sleep. He finally sat up in bed, deciding that the attempt was useless. Noah Lessing tried to imagine he was camping in the woods with his family, roasting marshmallows over a warm fire, but even the comforting image from his childhood could not calm his nerves on this particular night.

Guilty. Noah Lessing had spent many hours on _Voyager_ contemplating what it meant to be guilty. On the _Equinox_, it had been easy for them all to justify their actions. Captain Ransom had been so certain that they were doing the right thing by killing the aliens, and his certainty had trickled down the ranks until everyone felt just as sure as their captain.

It had taken Noah a long time to realize the extent to which he had deluded himself. At first, when Captain Janeway had brought him and the others aboard and told them they would be watched by security teams and stripped of rank, he had been angry. In fact, hatred for Janeway had bubbled up inside of him each time he had seen that maddening security detail outside his door. After all, what did she know about living by the seat of your pants, ration to ration, with only a skeleton crew? She had just been lucky, he thought. _Voyager_'s crew hadn't had to face the hardships that the _Equinox_ crew had. If Janeway had been in Ransom's position, she would have done just what his captain had. Janeway's treatment of the crew members from _Equinox_ was unfair and cruel. The woman had nearly killed him; someday, he would let Starfleet Command decide what they thought of _that_.

It was months before he had begun to let go of his anger and hatred towards Janeway - months before he realized that it was Ransom who deserved his anger and contempt. Ransom had gotten inside of their heads and led them all down the slippery slope of immorality. Eventually, Noah's hatred turned inward, as he realized that it had been his own choice to follow Ransom in the first place. On more than one occasion, he had wished that Janeway _had _killed him that day in the cargo bay. There were days that the self-loathing had felt unbearable, but _Voyager_'s crew had gone out of their way to embrace him and his crew mates and bring them into their fold.

Although he suspected he would never redeem himself in Janeway's eyes, the rest of the crew had accepted him. He knew that as long as he did his job to the best of his ability, he could earn Commander Chakotay's respect. Commander Tuvok, with his impeccable logic, never held a grudge, and although he kept a close eye on Lessing at first, he seemed to have learned that the crewman could be trusted. The EMH had never hesitated to make his true opinion known, but he, too, had offered _Equinox_'s crew a second chance, and Neelix was always ready with some new homemade hot chocolate blend and a listening ear. At first, Noah had thought that Janeway remained aloof, above it all, but eventually, he had come to realize that this attitude among her crew originated from the captain. One crew member in particular had helped him realize this.

_"Come in." Noah Lessing stood as his door chime sounded, expecting a visit from Commander Chakotay or Commander Tuvok. They were the only people who came to see him unannounced, and usually only when they had to speak to him about a change in the duty roster or the security protocols currently reserved for him and his former crew mates. _

_ But the figure that entered his quarters was neither the formidable commander nor the Vulcan security chief. "Crewman Lessing," said the blonde bombshell._

_ He couldn't prevent the wide grin from spreading across his face. "My angel of mercy. Have you come to save me from my boredom?"_

_ Seven cocked her head, trying to ascertain whether Lessing was using humor to diffuse what might otherwise be an awkward situation. She decided that he was, and let the comment pass. "I came to see how you were doing."_

_ "Can I get you anything to eat or drink?" Lessing offered, gesturing to the couch._

_ "I do not require nourishment at this time," Seven replied as she sat down._

_ "Ah, I see. Well, it's good to see you, anyway. Usually the only people who come by are Commander Chakotay and Commander Tuvok, and then only when they want to see me on business."_

_ Seven nodded and looked at him with that penetrating gaze of hers. There was something incredibly refreshing about how direct she was, Noah thought, but it was also intimidating. "When I first came aboard _Voyager_, some of the crew did not wish to socialize with me, either."_

_ Lessing looked at her with surprise and sat down across from her. "Why not?"_

_ "Because I had been Borg. That made some people uncomfortable."_

_ "Oh yeah. I can see why." Noah paused awkwardly. "No offense."_

_ "None taken. It is a fact; it would not be a productive use of energy to be offended by it."_

_ "So what did you do? You seem to be a regular part of the crew now. No one avoids you anymore."_

_ "The Doctor has been a great help to me, and Captain Janeway gave me much assistance and guidance in regaining my humanity."_

_ Noah's face fell. "The captain is never going to accept me, Seven. She hates my guts."_

_ The former drone cocked her head again. "I doubt that is the case. As far as I have observed, the captain believes that everyone deserves a second chance. I'm sure that includes you. She would not have accepted you into her crew otherwise." Lessing was silent, his eyes on the floor. "When I first came aboard," Seven continued, "it was actually Tom Paris who made the first overture of friendship towards me. The captain pulled him out of prison."_

_ "Really?"_

_ "Yes. Mr. Paris told me everyone deserves a second chance, and that he wasn't going to judge me based on my past. It was hard for me to understand at the time, but I am grateful now that he took those first steps."_

_ Noah raised his eyes and looked at her again, his grin returning. "And now you're doing the same thing for me."_

_ She didn't show much emotion, but now the corners of her mouth turned up in what might be considered a smile. "Yes. Because everyone does deserve a second chance, and although they might be afraid at first, this crew will accept you. If they could accept a former Borg, they can accept you and your crew mates, and they will. However, I have observed that such transitions often take time."_

_ Lessing reached out and brushed his fingers over the back of her hand. "Thank you, Seven. It means more to me than you know, you coming here like this. You really are my angel of mercy."_

_ "I am glad I could be of assistance to you."_

_ Imbued with new energy, Lessing stood. "Hey, Seven, have you ever played tennis?"_

_ "The captain and I play velocity occasionally."_

_ "No, real old fashioned tennis. With a net and everything."_

_ "I do not believe I have ever played."_

_ "What are you doing right now? Commander Chakotay just told me yesterday that we're finally allowed to have holodeck time, and I've been itching for a game. Do you want to play with me?"_

_ "If you will instruct me on the rules, I will be happy to play."_

_ "Great! Let's go!" And for the first time since he had become a crew member on the starship _Voyager_, the security guard at his door didn't anger Noah Lessing as he exited his quarters._

By the time _Voyager_ had gotten back to the Alpha Quadrant, Noah's perspective on his time under Ransom's command had changed dramatically. It had taken him a long time to admit the truth to himself; it had not been easy to realize that he had made mistakes which had cost dozens of innocent creatures their lives. He knew now that he would never earn Janeway's approval. She had spoken at his trial and had told the panel what he and all of his crew mates had done, but he had expected nothing less and would have been disappointed had she been soft on him. At the trial, he had spoken his own truth - a truth it had taken him a long time to discover for himself. He had pled guilty to all charges.

_"The court calls Noah Lessing," said the judge advocate general._

_ Taking a deep breath, Noah rose and walked to the podium. He identified himself and swore to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He was reminded that his testimony would be entered into his permanent record._

_ "Crewman Lessing, can you explain the reason for your guilty plea?" asked the JAG officer._

_ "Yes, sir. It's simple. I did it. We all did. We captured innocent life forms and killed them to use as fuel so we could get home faster."_

_ A murmur went through the courtroom. Noah was the first of his shipmates to testify, and he was the only one who would put their actions into such stark terms. "Surely you must have had some justification for your actions," the JAG officer prompted._

_ "We thought we did. Captain Ransom told us it was the only way, not just to get home, but to survive in the Delta Quadrant. At the time, what he was saying seemed reasonable - we all convinced ourselves that he was right. We justified our own choices to follow his orders, I guess."_

_ "But you no longer believe that your choice to follow those orders was justified?"_

_ "No, sir. We were wrong to follow Captain Ransom. All people have a conscience, a voice inside them telling them what's right and wrong, and we all knew what we were doing was wrong. That's why we covered it up when we ran into _Voyager_. We wouldn't have had to hide what we had done from Captain Janeway if we hadn't known it was immoral."_

_ "And yet even when Captain Janeway provided you with an alternative, you continued to follow Captain Ransom."_

_ Lessing stole a glance at the back of the room where Janeway stood, steely eyed, watching the proceedings without a glimmer of emotion on her face. He met her eyes just for a moment before looking back at the JAG officer. "Yes, sir. By that time, we had spent so much time convincing ourselves that killing the creatures was the right thing to do, that it became hard to admit we had made a mistake."_

_ "When did you realize you had made a mistake?"_

_ "I think somewhere deep down, I knew it all along, but it took me a long time to admit it to myself. After I saw how Captain Janeway ran her ship and survived in the Delta Quadrant without breaking the Prime Directive or murdering innocent creatures, I started to see how wrong Captain Ransom had been and how wrong we had been to follow him."_

_ "And how do you feel about your actions now, Crewman?"_

_ "I'm very sorry, sir. If I could go back and change my actions, I would."_

_ "Thank you, Crewman. You may step down. This panel calls to the stand Marla Gilmore..."_

As he had stepped down from the stand, Noah had stolen another glance at Janeway, but her face, as usual, had been unreadable.

...

The steaming mug of coffee in her hands did little to assuage Kathryn Janeway's churning mind as she stood on the balcony of her temporary quarters, looking up in the stars. The pink silk of her nightgown scarcely provided insulation from the elements, and she shivered in the cool, nighttime breeze. She was thinking. It was a dangerous thing for her, having too much time on her hands, as _Voyager_'s journey through the Void had proven. Yes, too much time to think. That was the problem. Her mind kept returning to her conversation with Chakotay earlier that evening, his question echoing in her mind. _Haven't they already served their time? _The answer echoed back, _Haven't we all?_

Two years later, the guilt of how she had acted during the _Equinox _incident still plagued her. Rudy Ransom had suddenly appeared in her life, representing everything she feared. He had abandoned Starfleet principles and crossed the lines of morality just to keep his crew alive. She often wondered if she would have done the same in his position, if she had indeed just been lucky not to have found herself in as dire straights as Ransom. At the time she had been sure that she never would have acted like him, but for two years the question had gnawed at her, _How different am I from Rudy Ransom?_

She had crossed the line herself a few times, but perhaps never more than in her treatment of Noah Lessing - a fellow Starfleet officer. She could have killed him - might have if Chakotay had not stepped in. Even now, two years later, thinking about the incident brought a feeling of heaviness to the pit of her stomach. At the time, she had been sure it was the right thing to do, because she had been caught up in the moment and in her anger. But looking back on it now, she felt a wave of revulsion pass through her - revulsion at herself. In trying to stop Ransom, she had nearly betrayed the principles she hated him so much for abandoning. If it hadn't been for Chakotay... She shuddered at the thought. She didn't know if she would have been able to live with Lessing's death, had he not stopped her. And then, after Chakotay had saved her from herself - or perhaps _because_ he had - she had relieved him of duty - another regret.

She had done her best to forget the incident and push it from her mind. She and Chakotay had put their disagreement behind them and gone on with the running of the ship. It was as if the whole thing had never happened - almost. She avoided the crew members that reminded her of that painful time, especially Noah Lessing, instead allowing her first officer to liaise with them. Chakotay had tried to talk to her about the issue several times, but she had never been receptive to his efforts.

_ "Come in." Kathryn Janeway glanced up from her computer terminal to see who had entered her quarters. Once she saw the identity of her visitor, she quickly looked back at the data she was studying._

_ "Here's the new duty roster, Captain." Chakotay stood across from her desk, PADD in hand._

_ "Just leave it, Commander. I'll look at it later." She remained engrossed in the data, but Chakotay did not leave, and she looked up at him. "Was there something else?"_

_ "Would you like to come by for dinner a little later? I have some replicator rations saved up."_

_ "No, thanks. I already ate." Janeway again busied herself in her monitor, the dismissal clear in her tone._

_ But Chakotay did not leave. "How about a drink, then?"_

_ "I'll be working late."_

_ Chakotay slammed the PADD down on the desk, forcing her to give him her undivided attention. "Damn it, Kathryn, we can't go on like this forever."_

_ She looked him straight in the eye. "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_ "Yes, you do."_

_ She leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "No, Chakotay, I really don't. Why don't you explain it to me?"_

_ Chakotay gritted his teeth and tried to hold back his temper. "We haven't had dinner together in weeks, and you're barely socializing with the crew."_

_ She cut him off. "Has my social life been added to your duty schedule, Commander?"_

_ He took a deep breath and tried another tactic, softening his tone and moving around the desk, closer to her. He saw her tense at his approach, so he perched himself on the side of the desk and spoke gently. "Kathryn, this isn't about duty. I'm concerned about you, as a friend."_

_ She stood, putting some distance between them and turning her back to him, going to the window to look out at the stars. Her tone softened, too. "I'm not going to start holing up in my quarters again, if that's what you're worried about."_

_ "I'm glad to hear it." A silence stretched between them, and it became apparent she wasn't going to volunteer any further information. He continued, "I thought you'd like to know that the five crewmen from the _Equinox_ are all doing just fine." She stiffened visibly when he said the name of the other ship, but he plunged ahead. "So far, they've all performed their duties in an exemplary manner. It might be time to relax some of the security protocols surrounding them."_

_ "How do you know they're not just waiting for another opportunity to betray us? That does seem to be the trend these days."_

_ Chakotay sighed. The Vaadwuar's betrayal of _Voyager_'s crew was still fresh in everyone's mind, and Kathryn always bore the brunt of the responsibility when her crew was left in the lurch by some manipulative alien. "From what I can tell, Captain Ransom brainwashed his crew. He demanded exacting loyalty from them; they saw the way those who weren't loyal were punished, and Ransom made them all believe that his was the only way to survive. It was the only way of life they knew in the Delta Quadrant."_

_ "There is no excuse for what those people did," Janeway grated._

_ "Was there an excuse for what Seven did as a Borg? Or for what Tom Paris did that landed him in prison? Or what I did as a Maquis?"_

_ She whirled to face him. "That is different. You didn't kill innocent beings."_

_ "I'm sure the Cardassians, as well as many members of Starfleet, would see it differently." She was silent, and the air in the room seemed to chill several degrees. "I didn't come here to argue with you, Kathryn."_

_ "Then why did you come here?"_

_ "To get you to have dinner with me," he tried, a wry grin pulling at the edges of his mouth. It had no effect, however, so he became serious again. "You've always believed that everyone deserves a second chance. Lessing, Gilmore and the others have proven themselves in the line of duty over the past couple months. I think it's time to let them have a little bit more freedom. They're starting to see a different way of life here, a way of life they never experienced on the _Equinox_. Don't they deserve a second chance? Like Seven did? Or Tom? Or me?"_

_ Janeway turned away again, her back to him, and at first he thought she was going to stand her ground. But she said, "Do as you see fit, Commander."_

_ "How about that dinner, Kathryn?_

_ "Maybe another time. Dismissed."_

_ She didn't turn around to see the disappointment on his face, or the anger that flashed in his eyes when he replied, "Aye, Captain," and left the room._

She had had dinner with Chakotay, eventually, but things had never been quite the same between them after the _Equinox_. If anything, Ransom's breaches of protocol had only strengthened Kathryn's resolve to stick to it. His closeness with his crew had compromised his objectivity and theirs, and she never wanted her crew to be in the same position. She had made sure to distance herself from them after that. Especially from Chakotay.

Their friendship had never been the same, and she knew that much of the blame fell to her. He had tried, for a long time, to rekindle the closeness between them, but eventually, she pushed him away one too many times, and he stopped trying altogether. There were a lot of things he had stopped trying to do, in the end, and she couldn't blame him. She had known what she was doing when she had turned down his invitations to dinner and the holodeck. Distance was what they needed. That was what Rudy Ransom had lacked; it was the reason he had become what he had become, and Kathryn Janeway would be damned if she was going to become that, too. Distance was the answer.

At least that was what she had believed. Until the admiral showed up.

_ "A neurolitic pathogen?" _Voyager_'s captain stared at her older self in disbelief._

_ "I always knew this was a one way trip. If I can help you and your crew get home, I want to do it."_

_ The captain fell silent, and looked up to see her older self in a familiar position, staring out at the stars. "Was it worth it, coming here?"_

_ The admiral turned to face her counterpart, half a smile on her lips. "Get your crew home, and it will be."_

_ "Worth even your own life?"_

_ "Tell me, Captain, wouldn't you sacrifice your life for any one of them?"_

_ Janeway swallowed hard. "Yes."_

_ "Even Noah Lessing?"_

_ The captain's eyes snapped up to the admiral. "Noah Lessing?"_

_ "Yes. In my timeline, he was one of those I lost before we got home. I never apologized to him for what I had done. I never got to know him, never spent a moment of time with him, never appreciated the man he became. I convinced myself that simply by letting the _Equinox _crew members on board my ship, I was giving them a second chance, but the truth is, in my heart, I never did give them a chance. It's haunted me to this day." She paused and turned back to her younger counterpart. "I thought about going to talk to your Noah Lessing, but that's not my place. It's yours."_

_ "I have nothing to say to Noah Lessing," the captain retorted coldly._

_ "You don't know anything about him - what kind of man he is, what he went through under Ransom's command, how hard he's tried to fit in here. Chakotay tried to tell me, but I never listened. I was too ashamed of myself and what I had done. I wanted nothing to do with any of them. I just wanted to forget the whole thing."_

_ "Ransom dishonored everything we believe in, everything I've risked my life to uphold. I've sacrificed everything to maintain Starfleet principles, and what did he do?"_

_ "Ransom is dead, Captain. He gave his life as a Starfleet officer should. It's not what Ransom did that bothers you now. It's what you did."_

_ Kathryn found herself unable to lie. "Yes."_

_ "Get to know Noah Lessing, Captain, and Marla Gilmore, and the others. They might not be as different from you as you think." The two Kathryn Janeways sat in silence for a while as the admiral poured them both more coffee. The admiral studied her younger self for a moment before speaking. "There's something else I want to tell you. It's about Chakotay."_

_ The captain looked up, stricken. "You already told me about Seven and Tuvok... Chakotay, too?"_

_ "Oh, Chakotay lived to see the Alpha Quadrant. It was our friendship that didn't." The admiral paused and sipped her coffee. She had never talked to anyone about her waning relationship with Chakotay, or the role she secretly believed it had played in his early passing, but this version of herself sitting across from her needed to know. "After the _Equinox_, I distanced myself from the crew. I had seen what Ransom's lack of protocol had cost him, and... Well, you know. You've already been there. It's already started. You have dinner together less. You almost always appear in uniform when you do spend time with him socially."_

_ "A captain needs to maintain an appropriate distance from her crew."_

_ "Perhaps. But a lack of distance wasn't Ransom's real failing. His real failing was a lack of moral center."_

_ "I never thought of it that way before."_

_ "Did you ever consider what this distance is doing to you, or to Chakotay? I know you don't like me very much, Captain. I know you don't like what you see. You say you refuse to believe you could ever be me? That's up to you. You can make sure it doesn't happen - that you don't become a bitter, old woman who is jaded and alone. And if you can't do it for yourself, do it for him."_

_ "What do you mean?"_

_ "You know how much you count on Chakotay." The captain nodded slowly. "How much you rely on him, depend on him, how much you need him. And you think that if you can just make yourself need him less, you'll make everything easier for everyone." Janeway nodded again. "But did you ever stop to think how much he relies on you?"_

_ The captain became very still. "What do you mean?"_

_ "Your friendship means as much to him as it does to you - maybe more. Without you, who does he have to confide in?"_

_ "He has B'Elanna, Tom... It's easier for Chakotay to socialize with the crew."_

_ The admiral looked at her younger self dubiously. "He's still their commanding officer, and he doesn't have the connection with them that he has with you." She paused. "When I began to distance myself from Chakotay, he tried to stop me. He tried for years, actually, but I was sure I was doing the right thing. As the journey went on, he and I grew farther apart. I grew farther apart from everyone. I lost touch with the crew and with myself, and I didn't see the toll that holding it all together was taking on Chakotay." The admiral's voice cracked just a little. "He died not long after we got home. He and I never repaired our friendship, and I regret it to this day. You and he have something special, Captain, something unique and precious. You think it can't be lost, but it can be if you bury it deeply enough. Friendships like that only come along once in a lifetime. I've never had another one, and I don't think you will either. So don't let it turn out the same way for you as it did for me."_

Kathryn Janeway shivered in the night air and went back inside, closing the balcony door behind her. The admiral's words had haunted her ever since that moment. She didn't know how to make right what she had done, but she was sure going to try, and the hearing tomorrow would be her first opportunity. She slipped under the covers and ordered the lights off. For a long time, she lay awake, staring up at the ceiling in the blackness, thoughts churning in her mind. The next day was not one she was looking forward to.

...

As people filed into the courtroom, Noah reached over and squeezed Marla Gilmore's hand. The five former members of the _Equinox_ crew sat at a long table facing the podium where Admiral Bennett and the other members of the judiciary panel would sit. After offering Gilmore momentary reassurance, Noah continued to look over his shoulder, watching the steady stream of people entering the room. He saw Seven come in, and she met his eyes, giving him a nod that he knew was meant as encouragement. As the chairs began to fill, he realized that almost the entire crew of _Voyager_ had shown up to support them. He leaned past Marla and whispered as much to Angelo Tassoni.

"They just want to see us hanged," Tassoni shot back.

"Angelo, you know that's not true," Marla interjected. "Everyone has been supportive and welcoming over the past two years."

"Not Janeway."

"Think about it," Lessing put in, "she could have put us in the brig, or dropped us off on the nearest M class planet, or traded us to some alien race as slaves. That's probably what Rudy would have done if it had suited him." The truth of Noah's words quieted Tassoni, and he sat back in his chair, a sober expression on his face.

Admiral Bennett banged a gavel. "This hearing is now called to order. Noah Lessing, Marla Gilmore, James Morrow, Brian Sofin and Angelo Tassoni have been found guilty of murder in the second degree and of violating Starfleet General Order 1. This hearing will determine the appropriate sentencing for their crimes. Will the first witness please step forward?" Noah looked around, expecting to see Commander Chakotay. Instead, the admiral called, "Captain Janeway."

Lessing's jaw dropped as the captain, looking crisp and professional as ever, came to the front of the room and took the stand.

"Thank you, Admiral," she said. "You have all heard me speak to the crimes committed by these five officers. They have all committed egregious errors and violated one of our most sacred laws."

Tassoni looked at Noah, rolling his eyes, certain the captain had no real intention of helping them. Lessing responded with a warning glance and turned back to the captain, listening intently as she continued.

"However, we wouldn't be human if we didn't make mistakes, and while I do believe these five officers deserve to be punished for their crimes, I also know some of what they have already endured. I'm here to serve as a witness to the character of each of these five men and women and to ask you to be merciful in imposing their sentence. Each of these men and women has already endured severe punishment, if not at the hands of others, then at their own hands." For the first time in two years, Janeway met Noah Lessing's gaze, and he looked at her with astonishment. She continued, "As it has been decided with the former Maquis members of my crew, I ask you to consider their time aboard _Voyager_ as time served."

Noah listened as the captain praised each of his crew mates, citing specific instances when each of them had performed their duties admirably. He had thought that she had been ignoring them for two years - that she hadn't given a damn about what they did. Only now did he realize how wrong he had been. She had discussed through Morrow, Sofin and Tassoni and was finishing her speech about Marla. For a moment, Noah held the irrational fear that her praise was reserved only for them, and that when she came to him, she would have nothing good to say. Then the captain continued.

"Noah Lessing, perhaps more than any of his crew mates, has embraced and exemplified Starfleet values while on board my ship. He is a loyal officer." She looked at him, willing him to understand the meaning behind her words. His loyalty to Ransom had been misplaced, but she could respect him for it, now. She could understand. Noah felt tears sting his eyes, suddenly realizing how long he had waited to hear these words, how desperately he had sought this woman's approval, never believing he would earn it.

"Some months into Mr. Lessing's tenure aboard my ship, it came to my attention that he had volunteered to take over the upkeep of the hydroponics bay. As some of you know, hydroponics had been run for a long time by a member of my crew who was no longer with us, Kes." Janeway's tone grew soft as she spoke of the Ocampan girl who had been with them at the beginning of their journey. "After Kes left the ship, various crew members pitched in and helped out - until Noah Lessing took over. Mr. Lessing, who has a specialty in botany, took it upon himself, outside of his duties, to maintain the plants and other foodstuffs in hydroponics.

"This may sound like a small thing, but believe me, in the Delta Quadrant, fresh fruits, vegetables and herbs were a priceless commodity. We could not survive on replicator rations alone, and our hydroponics bay became an essential source of nourishment. Beyond that, it was a place where many of the crew, including myself, could go to enjoy a few moments of peace and solitude, surrounded by living plants and beautiful flowers. Part of what keeps us human is our attention to the little things - having flowers in the ready room, a home cooked meal with fresh ingredients. Aside from performing his duties admirably and without fail for the last two years, Mr. Lessing helped us maintain this piece of our humanity by volunteering his time in the hydroponics bay.

"These five officers have made some terrible mistakes in their careers, but they have also proven to me that they deserve a second chance. Please, don't take that away from them."

Lessing sat in a daze as the proceedings continued, his mind reeling. He hadn't even known that the captain knew about his work in hydroponics, much less that she had thought it was so important. A few other witnesses spoke - Commander Chakotay, Commander Tuvok, Lieutenant Torres - but the starring testimony had definitely been the captain's. The admirals deliberated for only a short time before returning with a sentence.

"In light of the evidence brought at this hearing, as well as the extreme emotional distress suffered by these five individuals while struggling to survive on the _Equinox_, this court hereby sentences Noah Lessing, Marla Gilmore, James Morrow, Brian Sofin and Angelo Tassoni to four years total, with two having been served on _Voyager_. This leaves two years to be served in the New Zealand Penal Colony. All five will receive weekly counseling sessions during their incarceration, and mandatory counseling will be required of them for two years following their release from the penal colony." Bennett banged the gavel, and the hearing was over.

Noah sat there for a moment, shocked. He had imagined that they would spend the rest of their lives in prison. A seven year sentence would have been a gift, but this was better than he could have imagined - four years with two years served. As the reality hit him, he rose to his feet with a shout of glee and pulled Marla to him in a fierce hug.

"I don't know what you're so happy about," Angelo grumbled. "Two years in a penal colony is no picnic." But beneath his acerbic, cynical manner, Lessing could tell that even Tassoni was smiling just a little.

The security guards approached the five crew members to escort them back to their cells, but Lessing scanned the room anxiously. "There's someone I have to talk to, sir," he said to the security officer assigned to him.

"Whatever it is, it can wait."

"Please, sir, I'd just like a few minutes to speak with someone. It's very important."

The guard looked about to decline when a familiar voice came from behind them. "Is there a problem here, Crewman?"

"No, Captain. I was just looking for you," Lessing replied, relieved

"Well it would seem you've found me." She turned to the security guard. "I'd like a moment alone with Mr. Lessing, please." The big man in the yellow uniform seemed about to protest when Janeway fixed him with one of her legendary glares.

Lessing tried to suppress a smile but didn't quite succeed. He quickly sobered, however, when Janeway fixed her eyes on him, and the tension in the room grew thick. "I, uh, just wanted to say, um, to say thank you, Captain."

"I told the truth, Crewman. You've been an exemplary officer for the past two years."

"I, uh, didn't think you noticed."

"I make it my business to know everything that goes on aboard my ship."

"Of course, Captain. I just meant, um... Well, I don't mean to only thank you for what you said today. I mean, thank you for giving us a second chance two years ago, even after what we did."

Janeway seemed to soften in front of his eyes, and for the first time, Noah realized how... human she was. "Everyone makes mistakes, Mr. Lessing. Sometimes we believe what we're doing is right at the time, no matter how extreme it might be, and it's only much later we realize how wrong we were. I've been guilty of it myself, on occasion." She paused and offered him a half-hearted smile. "On the day I tried to convince you to betray your former captain, for instance."

Lessing had been surprised several times already that day, but hearing his unyielding captain admit she had been wrong was the biggest shock of all. He had to swallow hard to hold back his emotions. "Captain, there were plenty of times I wished you _had_ let me die that day. I would have deserved it."

Janeway shook her head and reached out, putting a hand on his shoulder. "No one deserves that, Mr. Lessing." She paused, removing her hand, looking thoughtful. "I've always taken pride in knowing every member of my crew, and yet, I never got to know you."

"No one likes to be reminded of their mistakes." The words were out of his mouth before he had a chance to sensor them, and he was about to apologize when the captain held up a hand.

"Never be sorry for speaking the truth, Crewman."

"Yes, Captain."

"When your two years are up, get in touch, Mr. Lessing. I don't know what I'll be doing then, but if there's any way I can help, I certainly will."

"Yes, Captain. Thank you. Thank you so much." The captain nodded a dismissal and the security officer reappeared to escort Noah back to his quarters. For the first time in a very long time, Lessing felt a lightness in his step and a hopefulness about the future. He knew he was going to prison the next day, but even so, Noah Lessing felt that he had a new lease on life. Finally, he was clean.

...

Kathryn Janeway watched Lessing go, a smile playing on her lips. One thing that needed to be remedied had been. The spring in Noah Lessing's step as he walked away from her was one less regret. Now, she had another situation to rectify. She just had to find the person in question. She turned... and found that he was watching her from the doorway, a soft smile gracing his features. "Chakotay," she said as she approached him, "do you have a few minutes?"

He chuckled. "Since we haven't been released yet, I think I have all day."

"Walk with me." He fell into step beside her, and they walked through the corridors in silence. Soon they were outside, enjoying the beautiful, sunny San Francisco afternoon. Janeway glanced up at her first officer. "What did you think?"

He smiled down at her. "I think you did a good thing in there. How do you feel about it?"

"Good. I feel good." They had reached the rose garden, and Janeway stopped to inhale a particularly sweet smelling rose. "Oh, I love that smell. Somehow, it's never the same when it's replicated." She sat down on a nearby bench and patted the space beside her.

Chakotay joined her, studying her intently. "Kathryn?"

She looked away from him as Admiral Janeway's words echoed through her mind. _You and he have something special, Captain, something unique and precious. You think it can't be lost, but it can be if you bury it deeply enough. Friendships like that only come along once in a lifetime. I've never had another one, and I don't think you will either. So don't let it turn out the same way for you as it did for me._ She took a deep breath. "Chakotay, Noah Lessing isn't the only one who deserves an apology from me." A pause. Another breath. She forced herself to look up at him, to meet his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Puzzlement crossed his features. "For relieving me of duty during the _Equinox_ incident? I thought we had gotten past that a long time ago."

"Yes, we did, but I never apologized to you properly. But that's not all I'm sorry for." She reached out and took his hand, intertwining her fingers with his. "You're my closest friend... or at least, I hope you still are. I wouldn't blame you if you didn't feel that way anymore." He watched her in silence and squeezed her hand, encouraging her to continue. "You know it's always been a struggle for me - balancing our personal and professional relationships. I always felt I had to keep a certain... distance... from members of my crew, especially between us. When we argued about ship's business, it always seemed to get a little too personal."

"That's because we cared for each other, Kathryn."

"I know." She noticed that she had used the past tense, but she pressed forward. "And I still do... care for you, even though I haven't shown it much lately." She squeezed his hand and released it, moving away and looking into the sea of pink and white roses before her. "I was so afraid of becoming Ransom that I went out of my way to avoid doing what he had done."

The pieces slowly clicked together in Chakotay's mind. "You thought Ransom was too close to his crew. They called him by his first name."

She nodded, still with her back to him. "Yes. I thought that his closeness with them had cost him his objectivity, and had cost them theirs. They were so close to him that they couldn't question his decisions or save him from doing the wrong thing, because they loved him too much. They went along with whatever he wanted, even when it was wrong."

Chakotay stood slowly, taking one step towards his captain. "So you pushed me away personally, to ensure that I would do my duty professionally."

She whirled back to him. "Yes. Chakotay, you saved me from myself out there. If I had killed Noah Lessing that day, I don't know how I would have lived with myself afterwards, but you knew that, didn't you?" He nodded. "Could you have done the same thing if we had been more... involved on a personal level?"

"I guess I'll never be able to answer that question, because we weren't."

Her shoulders sagged, and she turned away from him again. "So I made the right decision."

"Who knows?" He stepped closer to her and placed a hand on her shoulder; she jumped at the contact. "You made the decision you thought was best at the time. But you wouldn't be standing here talking to me about this if something wasn't still bothering you. What is it, Kathryn?" Her reply was a whisper into the afternoon breeze. "What did you say?" He gave her shoulder a gentle tug, turning her to face him, and placed one finger gently under her chin, raising her eyes to his.

"I don't want to lose you."

"Lose me? I know we probably won't be assigned together anymore, but it's not like I'm going to disappear forever."

She was shaking her head, looking at the ground again. Tears were welling up in her eyes, and she tried to push them back, but she was too tired - physically and emotionally. "I've made a lot of mistakes, Chakotay, and letting our friendship go by the wayside might be the biggest one yet." She raised her face and wiped the tears away, but he could see the rivulets on her cheeks where they had made their silent trail. "You said we _cared_ about each other, but I still care about you. I've done a lousy job of showing it for the past few years, and I'm sorry." Her face contorted, and her hand covered her mouth before she could emit another sob, but before she had the chance to turn away, he gathered her against him in a warm embrace. The safety of his arms wilted the last of her control, and she collapsed against him, finally letting the tears flow.

Chakotay held her close and stroked her hair. "It's okay," he whispered into her hair. "Let it go. It's okay to cry." Finally allowing herself to let go of all her pent up emotions, she let herself sob into his uniform and burrowed deeper into the safety of his embrace. When she quieted, he led her back to the bench where they had been sitting. She nestled into his shoulder, and he reached over to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I still care about you, Kathryn," he said softly.

She pulled away from him, sitting up to face him fully. "You do?"

He nodded, and now his eyes were the ones glistening with tears. She looked into them for a long time, studying the deep brown, the brightness, the depths that led directly to his soul. Tentatively, she reached out one hand to run the tips of her fingers down the side of his face. He captured her hand in his own and turned his head to press his lips against her palm.

"The _Equinox_ crew aren't the only ones who served their time aboard _Voyager_," Chakotay said softly.

Kathryn laughed softly as he reached out to cup her cheek. "You mean, me?"

"Yes, Kathryn. I know you have regrets. I think we all do. But now we all have an opportunity for a second chance, a fresh start."

She mirrored his earlier movement and turned her face into his palm, pressing her lips against it. She captured his fingers one at a time with her mouth, placing gentle, soft kisses that sent a shiver through his body. As her eyes met his, his hand slid around the back of her neck and guided her face towards his. Their lips were inches apart when Kathryn whispered, "I think you're right, Chakotay. And we better make the most of it."


End file.
